“I am not going to confess all my sins just because I had an orgasm” Sharon Stone said and I froze in front of the screen. Sharon (Catherine Tramell) was exceptionally beautiful. She was also American. She was a writer and exceptionally wealthy. She also just won the ultimate victory against all men in the world. Or it felt like it to me. I was a 16-year old girl, in Siberia, and Sharon Stone instantly became an idol to me (and to millions other girls, I think). To support my admiration, the protagonist in the movie became instantly obsessed with her and even potentially put his life on the line just to have sex with her. She, on the other hand, remained un-phased by the mind-blowing sex that they had (which Michael Douglas called “the fuck of the century), and never confessed her sins.
I watched her and knew that this is somebody to imitate and admire. I was 16 and had no idea what an orgasm was. In fact, i knew next to nothing about sex, period (theoretical knowledge doesn’t count of course, as it’s as relevant as knowing how to breath, in theory). Now I think that Catherine Tramell also didn’t know anything about sex (given her stupid statement, which used to fascinate me). In fact, I’m sure all her mind-blowing orgasms were fake just to sell the movie.
” I had a date with him, and it was a fun date, the conversation was really flowing, and he treated me nicely. So, after dinner we kept going from one bar to another, and it was really fun, so I went to his place and we had sex, and it was really good, but in the morning he acted all weird, i don’t think i will hear from him again. But it doesn’t really matter”, she finishes with a brave smile on her face. She sits in front of me. She is shamelessly young (22), she is extremely attractive (and tall) and bright. She finished her short account of that date, and she is ready to move on. Because that date “doesn’t matter”, in the end it didn’t mean anything.
I am her therapist. And I’m genuinely puzzled. Not by her account. By how many times I hear this story again and again. There seems to be a consensus among young people that sex, in itself, is meaningless. It’s not even sex. It’s a “hook up”. It’s definitely not something to cry over. Your sexual partner is definitely not somebody to “confess all your sins” to.
I am not a fan of conspiracy theories. But I begin to wonder if this is not one huge conspiracy of dating apps. Because they are the only ones who benefit from it. Definitely not people. At least not women. And also, the whole idea that sex “doesn’t mean anything” is simply false.
Sex is important. Forget sex, human touch is important. How many people will tell you that they feel better simply because they received a hug? How many times you smiled (but also felt sudden warmth), when you hear stories about people just giving other people hugs? We became so isolated, that people get themselves pets just to have somebody to hug, no practical purposes (and pets are definitely important, just ask the owners). For crying out loud, people hug trees, just to experience that feeling of being close to something alive.
Yet, we live in a funny culture, where hugs are important and sex isn’t.
“Why are you saying it doesn’t matter?” I ask her “Of course it matters. You liked him. You felt he likes you back. You spent a lot of time with him. You felt some connection. You were hoping that he was feeling it to. You went to his place. You spent the night. You feel he doesn’t want to see you again. How can it be unimportant? How is it humanely possible not to feel disappointed, rejected, upset? Why do you feel compelled to deny yourself humanity?” We are both puzzled. She is puzzled because I just stripped her of her defenses. I am puzzled that the consensus among youth now seems to be that defenses are more important than authenticity.
“What can I do if he is not calling me?” she asks with sadness.
“At least give yourself permission to feel sad and disappointed now, these are only normal human feelings, completely appropriate to the situation, just give yourself permission to feel, what you are actually feeling now, because if you don’t, you will be cranky and irritable for the next week or two. You might make some silly choices or end up in unnecessary arguments, and you won’t even know why. Let’s just stay with this feeling now”.
“I know why he is not going to call me back, I lingered too long in his place”. Of course, but she did because sex was good.
“Sex was great, and I have had so much bad sex” she says with a sad laugh.
Of course she did. This is also the story that I hear again and again “I met with Ben, we went to the bar and we had 8 shots of gin, and we went to his place, and he lasted 30 seconds”.
“We both were so wasted, i don’t even remember anything”.
Of course she had a lot of bad sex. All her friends did. When sex is meaningless, it’s mostly bad.
Well, any purposeless, meaningless activity will be just that. Empty. Unmemorable. Nothing to think of. And yet, we are talking about extremely intense experience here. Ironically, taking meaning out of this experience, also takes away all the pleasure. Why bother at all then? You are better off going to the gym, no health risks, only benefits.
The truth is, sex is hugely, ridiculously important, and we all yearn for it. imagine being hugged warmly and lovingly by somebody who you like. Imagine the hug being prolonged, strong but comfortable, you are feeling held and cared for. You are feeling loved. Now take that feeling to some crazy power. That’s how good sex makes a woman feel. Oxytocin is released into the brain and it makes your trust your partner. It makes you want to confess all your sins (not that you should, but it will take some restraint not to). In fact, Oxytocin is SO powerful, it makes even autistic children more sociable, and now, it is being considered as a treatment for autism. Endorphines, released after good sex, make you euphoric.
Euphoria can linger for weeks. That’s what good sex does to your brain, to you mind, and to your heart.
And yet, young people insist on taken all of it out of equation because of course, they hate being vulnerable. But vulnerable they remain. My client will have to repeat again and again “it doesn’t matter”, until she convinces herself, that the good sex she had doesn’t matter. And she is of course in danger of submitting herself to dozens more meaningless sexual experiences. Because she feels it makes her less vulnerable.
It’s actually reverse. Because meaningful sex is such a rarity to her, she lingered for so long in his place for the next day. She acted like it mattered, which of course, violated his expectations. He, too, is under that social contract that sex doesn’t matter. So, her lingering was probably annoying. Maybe a little be scary (“why is she still here?” is a natural thought if we all agree that what happened doesn’t matter).
Sex matters. When good, it can create a life-long connection, even when both people know they kind of, sort of, shouldn’t stay in contact any more. When it’s bad, it creates an aversion, and for a while, you really don’t even want to see that person, even when you know you are kind of, sort of, being mean. Sex can create families and break families apart. Sex can be life-altering experience. But for all of that sex has to be meaningful. In other words, it has to be sex, not some kind of drunken acrobatics.
“You know, I decided not to sleep with Ben” my client said.
“Why?”
“Because I kind of like him”
“So, when you really like the person, you don’t sleep with him? You only sleep with people you don’t like?”
I think, with all the “hook up” culture and continuous re-defining of terms, and all the attempts to protect our egos, young people made themselves terribly confused. But confusion is a natural state for youth (I’m 43 and still terribly confused about many things, so there). But I’m really concerned that they also made themselves joyless. That would be quite sad. Almost as sad as meaningless sex.